I have no idea how good or how bad of a rider I am. There are thousands of things I don't know about horses and riding and I honestly lack any confidence in my ability right now. I rode on Monday, and there were several people in the arena with my friend and I, making me feel incredibly awkward. I always feel like people are watching me and judging me. I've only been back in the saddle for two years and I'm relearning everything, but I feel like everyone is looking at me like I've been riding forever and that I suck.
Of course, the horse I was riding probably picked up on my insecurity and that was why he decided to act like an ass. The previous week, he was a perfect gentleman and did everything I asked... but there was no one else in the arena and I was completely comfortable. Then this week, I was incredibly self-conscious. Roo was okay in the beginning, but the longer I rode, the more self-conscious I became and the more he would shake his head and refuse to do what I asked.
I'm frustrated with the way I rode because when I was a kid, I was so confident and able. I knew I was good then and now, I feel like I can't do everything I could before. I just want to rewind time and not let myself quit riding for nine years. I don't regret much in my life, but I regret my nine year riding hiatus everyday.
I want to make up for all the lost time. I want to compete. I want to train. I want to learn. I want to be a great rider and even though people keep telling me that it'll be impossible unless I commit fully to riding, I do want to get to the Rolex one day.
I don't want to ride just one day a week. I want to ride almost everyday! But I also want to make movies.
Anyway, this year I am going to work on a balancing act. I will figure out how to be a serious rider, writer, and filmmaker all at once.
My equestrian goals for 2014 are:
- To find a trainer/coach that I click with
- To begin showing
- To be well-read when it comes to horsey non-fiction
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